The New Original Old Moron's Almanac
Vol. 3, Nr. 2 • June 9 - 15 • The Other Donald | Death & Taxes (and Death) | The Danish Cloth | And also much oxen. . .
Jun. 9 - Looks like it’s going to be one of those weeks where the only sane and healthy response is to ignore it.
So let’s get right into that.
The Other Donald
Ninety-one years ago today (on June 9, 1934), an American legend made his first appearance on the silver screen.
He has appeared in over 450 films in more than 200 languages, held lead roles in dozens of television serials and hundreds of specials, and has been featured in books and magazines in every language. Most impressively, he has done all of this without wearing pants.
He is, of course, the world's favorite lazy, hot-headed, bare-assed mallard: Donald Duck, and June 9th is celebrated around the world as Donald Duck Day.
Football Heroes
June 11 is an important day for American football fans and seems almost inevitably slated to someday become a national holiday. It's the birthday of both Vince Lombardi (1913) and Joe Montana (1956).
Mr Lombardi played at Fordham University and was a Latin and chemistry teacher in New Jersey before becoming the head coach of the Green Bay Packers at the age of 46.
They had won only one of twelve games the season before he was hired; they won seven his first year. Over the course of his brief career, the Packers won five NFL championships and the first two Super Bowls (Super Bowl I and Super Bowl II, in that order).
It was Coach Lombardi's background in Latin that persuaded the NFL to use Roman numerals to number the Super Bowls.
"Winning isn't everything," Coach Lombardi famously declared, "but it's awfully darn important in competitive endeavors." (He was the first NFL coach to hire a publicist and his statements were often edited for distribution to the Green Bay press corps.)
Over the course of his career, Joe Montana completed 3409 of 5391 passes and threw 273 touchdowns. In the playoffs, he completed 460 of 734 passes and threw 45 touchdowns. As a starter, he won 117 and lost 47 regular season games.
Upon his retirement, the town of Ismay, Montana, changed its name to Joe. The town of Joe, Rhode Island, attempted to change the name of its state to Montana, but was prohibited from doing so by heavily-monied special interests.
The Swiss Army Knife was patented on June 12, 1897. It was the fruit of centuries of Swiss research, development, and testing. Its release was heralded as the dawn of a golden age of Swiss technology. The Swiss may not have won a war since, but they've never been caught without a corkscrew.
Dr. Jean-Baptiste Denys, the personal physician to Louis XIV, performed the first blood transfusion in history on June 12, 1667. He performed the transfusion on a fifteen year old boy, using blood from a sheep. The experiment was considered a success, although it was clearly a disappointment if you were rooting for the sheep.
Death and Taxes (and Death)
In early 1381 England imposed a new tax, which was called the “Pole Tax” because everyone got the shaft.
In the village of Maidstone, Kent, there lived a Pheasant (or Villain) whose daughter was about fourteen years old. The day the Taxman came around to collect, the Villain was away. Only his wife and daughter were home. The Taxman didn't believe that the girl was less than fifteen. She and her mother insisted that she was. At last the Taxman tore the girl's clothes off to see for himself.
After stripping her, he quickly determined that a more tactile examination would be necessary. When she resisted, the situation took a violent turn—and at that volatile moment, the girl's father came in and saw what was going on. Like any good father, he crushed the Taxman's skull and stomped on his brains.
News of the event spread. The Pheasants (Villains) of southeast England rallied to the father's support. They began Wat Tyler's Rebellion on June 13, 1381.
They made the skull-smashing father their leader because his name was Wat Tyler. Over the next few days, Wat Tyler led the Pheasants (Villains) against the government, burning the Archbishop of Salisbury at the Stake (from which we get the expression “Salisbury Steak”).
The purpose of this rebellion was to secure a pardon for having rebelled. When Wat Tyler confronted King Richard II in Smithfield, he voiced this demand and was consequently stabbed to death, etc, by the Lord Mayor of London. Upon Wat Tyler's death, of course, it was no longer possible to have Wat Tyler's Rebellion, so everyone else went home (from which we get the expression “Pheasants coming home to roost”).
Many of them were later killed.
Further back in history, on June 13, 323 BC, a youthful Alexander the Great died in Babylon. The precise cause of his death has baffled modern science for thousands of years. Many historians believe he died of hybris, also known as Syphilis or the Greek Fire. Alexander had a horse named Bucephelas and is best known for having devoured the Gordian Nut.
On June 13, 1917, fourteen German Gotha bomber planes flew over London in the first aerial bombardment in history (not counting Zeppelins); on June 13, 1944, Germany commemorated the anniversary by launching the first of its V-1 flying bombs on southern England; on June 13, 1990, East Germany began tearing down the Berlin Wall. The date apparently has some significance in the Teutonic psyche. Be gentle with men in lederhosen.
The Danish Cloth
June 15 is Valdemarsdag (“Valdemar's Day”) here in Denmark. Valdemar's Day is the anniversary of one of the most ubiquitous objects in Denmark—the beloved Dannebrog.
Dannebrog is old Danish for “the Danish cloth,” and if you think there's a lot of flag-waving in America, you ain’t seen nothin’. The Danes are pathologically proud of their beloved old cloth, and they have some claim to be: it's the oldest national flag in the world.
(Technically it's only the oldest national flag to have been in continual use since its adoption—an asterisk no doubt insisted upon by the proud descendants of Babylon and Carthage.)
Flagpoles abound in this nation, but you don't need a flagpole to show a Danish flag: they're used to advertise sales, they show up on birthday cakes, they're planted in windowboxes—they bedeck every deckable surface. I wouldn't be surprised if they were embedded in the Danish genetic code.
The flag is a simple white cross on a red field, so it's easy for the visually confused (e.g., myself) to wander through Copenhagen under the mistaken belief that it's the world headquarters of the Red Cross.
You're probably wondering what the Dannebrog has to do with Valdemar. (If that's not what you're wondering you need to concentrate a little harder—at least one of us should be paying attention.) Why not just call June 15 Dannebrogdag and be done with it? I'll tell you: because the Danish flag has a legend and the star of that legend is King Valdemar II.
It's a good enough yarn as legends go, although it's a little light on pirates and lusty wenches for my own taste. I have therefore taken some liberties with the existing legend to provide an even better one that I have been reproducing on various web properties for the better part of a quarter century.
The Legend of the Dannebrog
(starring Valdemar II, with a special guest appearance by Erik the Pirate)
Once upon a time there was a Danish king named Valdemar (and sometimes Waldemar). He died. This eventually led to the arrival of a Danish king who was also named Valdemar (and sometimes Waldemar), and was therefore called Valdemar II for purposes of clarity—although you'd think if they were really interested in clarity they would have straightened out the whole Valdemar/Waldemar thing before they started throwing Roman numerals around.
King Valdemar II was a Christian king, and like most Christian kings he was troubled by the existence of filthy pagan bastards. And so, in 1219, King Valdemar II got up an army and made his way to conquer one particular group of pagan bastards—sometimes referred to as “Estonians”—and convert them to Christianity.
Either that or kill them, whichever came first.
As Valdemar led his fleet toward the Estonian coast, his ship was engaged by the Baltic’s most notorious brigand, Erik the Pirate. After a brief skirmish at sea, Erik boarded Valdemar's flagship.
“Yar!” cried Erik the Pirate, brandishing his mighty sword.
“Yar!” cried the parrot on his shoulder.
Valdemar's men hacked him and his bird to pieces and the Danes continued on their journey. Soon they arrived in Estonia.
At Lyndanisse, not far from what is today the Estonian capital of Tallinn, the Christian Danes and Pagan Estonians fought a fierce battle all through the day of June 15th. Neither side had the advantage. As night came on, the fighting let up as the armies returned to their camps to eat, sleep, and freshen up for the next day's carnage.
Back at their camp, many Danes gathered round the tap at Saucy Shirley's House of Ale. They drained barrel after barrel of ale and exchanged bawdy jokes with the lusty barmaid Shirley.
The wily Estonians didn't actually return to their camp, in part because they had no lusty barmaids with whom to exchange lewd pleasantries. Instead, they made a sneak attack. Their bloody onslaught overwhelmed the unprepared Danes.
An elderly Danish Archbishop watched the slaughter from a nearby hill, and raised his arms to heaven to solicit God's assistance. Miraculously, God complied: the Danes suddenly surged forward against their attackers and began making headway. But as soon as the Archbishop lowered his poor arthritic arms, lo! The Danes fell back. Wearily he raised his arms again, and once more the Danes pressed forward; the pain compelled him to lower them once more, and again the Danes fell back. And so it went, on and off, until the Archbishop could raise his arms no more.
The logical course of action would have been to fix his arms aloft—by nailing them to a tree, for example—but the Danes have always been fiercely independent and contemptuous of frailty. If the Archbishop couldn't hold up his arms under his own power, by God, no one was going to prop them up for him. And so they began to take heavy losses.
The old Archbishop began to weep as he stood helplessly by, knowing that if only he could lift his aching arms he could save the Danish army. No sooner had the first tear run down his cheek, however, than a mighty peal of thunder sounded and a red banner emblazoned with a white cross fell from the sky into the Archbishop's limp and lifeless arms.
A voice from the clouds announced, “When you raise this banner before your enemies, they will yield before you!”
“If I could raise my arms,” the Archibishop lamented, “I wouldn't need the damn flag.”
And so he sent a messenger to carry the flag to the King. Valdemar raised the flag as soon as he got it, the Danes became delirious with courage, and the battle was swiftly won.
The Dannebrog has been the Danish flag ever since.
A couple of years ago, Herself and I spent a long weekend in Tallinn—a name, by the way, that means something like “Danish town” (Taani-linn). While we were there, we visited the very site where the flag fell from the sky, so I can with great moronic pride post this photograph from my own personal collection:
Sticklers for history should take note of the wording on a nearby plaque:
Not the birthplace of the Danish flag, or the place where it fell from the sky, but the place where the legend was born.
Tricksy Estonians!
For the People
On June 15, 1215—exactly four years before the Danes got their flag—all the English Barons of the realm gathered with King John at Runnymede and presented him with a little document they'd prepared. They asked him to either sign the document or specify what they should do with his remains. The king signed.
This was the Magna Carta, and therefore historical.
The terms of the Magna Carta (aka “The Magna Charta,” aka “The Big Chart”) provided that freemen should be free, that freemen should not be put to death, that freemen should be able to get married, that freemen should only be judged by juries of other freemen, and that a measure of wine should be a measure of wine. The only people excepted from these liberties were the People.
(The American Bill of Rights borrowed heavily from the Magna Carta, although it allowed that the People included people not previously considered the People, except in those cases in which the people were still not People.)
Lord of the Garter
King Edward III was a famous English king, celebrated for his invention of manners and discovery of the economy. He played tennis, and once famously rebuked the King of France for having sent him his balls in a box.
King Edward established the Order of the Garter because he was what English nobles referred to as a “leg man.” (It was he who also famously remarked, “Honi soit qui mal y pense,” or “Honey, show us some cheesecake.”)
King Edward had many sons, one of whom was born on June 15, 1330. This son he named Prince Edward. Though white at birth, he eventually became England's first Black Prince. (Take that, Meghan Markle!)
Prince Edward eventually married Joan of Kent. In her youth, Joan had been known as the “Fairly Made” because she was so fat; in later years she was referred to as “Chubster” and “Lardass,” though seldom to her face.
At the age of sixteen, Prince Edward and his father the king led the English against the French at Crecy, in order to start the 100 years war. There were many more French than English, but the English had the advantage of the Long Boa. The French were powerless against this innovation. Ten years later, the English and French took the field again, this time at Poitiers. The French had learned from experience, and tried to counter the English Long Boa with their own Very Large Scarf. They failed.
The English took France's King John prisoner and ransomed him for half a million pounds (250 tons). Prince Edward was kind to the French king, however, and prayed with him, which proved that the apple had not fallen far from the tree. (Edward was also a “leg man.”)
By now he had become the Black Prince.
In recognition of his prowess, the Black Prince was made the ruler of Aquitaine in 1362. When some of the French rebelled at Limoges in 1370, he had all 3000 inhabitants killed. This resulted in peace.
The Black Prince died before he could succeed to the throne, thereby losing the opportunity to become England's first Black King.
Edward and Joan had two children. One was Edward, who died in infancy and was therefore ineligible to be king. The other was Richard, also known as Richard II, who succeeded to the throne only to abdicate in favor of Henry IV, Part 1.
Following Henry IV Parts 1 and 2 came Henry V, then Henry VI parts 1, 2, and 3, and then finally Richard III.
Richard III made himself King of England on June 26, 1483, by killing everyone else who wanted to be king. It was a clever strategy, especially for a hunchback, but it only provided his successor a precedent to use against him two years later.
(I probably won't mention that in the June 26 almanac, so you'll have to remember it yourself. I should also mention that many scholars believe that Richard III wasn't a hunchback, and some believe he never killed anyone, but they've obviously never seen the play by Sir Francis Bacon.)
On June 15, 1520, Pope Leo X (no relation to Malcolm or the Generation) excommunicated Martin Luther with a papal bull. Pope Leo X is famous for his use of bulls, although not quite as famous as Catherine the Great for her use of horses.
On June 15, 1752, Benjamin Franklin flew a kite in a thunderstorm to prove his now famous theory that lightning is some powerful shit.
Birthdays
June 9
Michael J. Fox (1961), Jackie Mason (1934) and Cole Porter (1892), who was so pathetic at words poetic that he always thought it best, instead of getting them off his chest, to let 'em rest unexpressed.
June 10
Tara Lipinski (1981), F. Lee Bailey (1933), Maurice Sendak (1928), Judy Garland (1922), and Saul Bellow (1915).
June 11
Lombardi and Montana share their June 11 birthday with Adrienne Barbeau (1945), Gene Wilder (1935) and Jacques Cousteau (1910), none of whom ever won a Super Bowl.
(There’s a lot of Gene Wilder to love, but this was my first exposure to him as a child. That counts for something. )
June 12
George H.W. Bush (1924), Marv Albert (1941), Jim Nabors (1932), and Anne Frank (1929).
June 13
Malcolm McDowell (1943), Christo (1935), Paul Lynde (1926), and William Butler Yeats (1865).
June 14
Steffi Graf (1969), Yasmine Bleeth (1968), Boy George (1961), Jerzy Kosinski (1933), Burl Ives (1909), and Harriet Beecher Stowe (1811).
June 15
Courteney Cox (1964), Helen Hunt (1963), Jim Belushi (1954), Waylon Jennings (1937), and Mario Cuomo (1932).
Celebrate Good Times
June 9 is Arab Revolt and Army Day in Jordan. It's Luis de Camoes Day in Portugal.
June 11 is King Kamehameha I Day in Hawaii. (Kamehameha is Hawaiian for "Thrower of tight spiral.")
June 12 is Flag Day in New Zealand and Luxembourg, and Independence Day in the Philippines and Russia.
June 13 is Flag Day in Palau.
June 14 is a national Day of Mourning in Estonia, Liberation Day in the Falkland Islands, and Flag Day in the USA.
June 15 is Father's Day in the United States and Valdemar's Day in Denmark. But you knew that.
Enjoy the week!